I havent posted much in the past 10 days or so. Most of it was due to my 5 day cycle last week and the side effects that came with it. Side effects, or side effect? Looking back now, the only memory I have of that week, as recent as it is, is straight nausea. It lasted from about hour 2 of my infusion Monday until the morning of my Bleo infusion 8 days later. It was unreal, something like I never could have imagined. I've learned in dealing with the baggage that comes with chemo that nausea isnt like feeling sick before. Before Nausea was black and white, your stomach felt funny or it didnt. Chemotherapy nausea on the other hand, can be every color, on every spectrum of the color wheel. The last 8 days were hell. My Mom got me Lance Armstrong's book " its not about the bike" , about his journey with testicular cancer, and he talks a lot about how being an endurance athlete helped him deal with the cancer. Those 8 days were my endurance test. I wanted to vomit but couldnt, the medicine didnt help one bit, I was up, I was down, and this lasted all day, every day for 8 days. But I knew if I made it through this, we were on the downhill part of this journey, Im over halfway though the 3 cycles, I only have 1 more of the 5 days in a row left, a handful of single day Bleo infusions and then I might get to ring that bell. Or...
Or I might get sentenced to another cycle and other than the nausea, thats the only thing I have been able to think about. Its frightening to think there is a possibility of another round being added on. Right now, I have been mentally preparing for 3 cycles, adding a 4th will crush me. Its easier said than done to "just forget about it" or "dont think like that", but its cancer. Its either you beat the cancer or the cancer beats you. So "dont think about it" , yeahhhh sure, let me get right on that. Adding a 4th means things arent going as planned.
But in trying to stay positive and motivated; work for the Foundation is going well, thanks to Claire. We're registered with the state and shes done a bunch of other paperwork to make us legal. We're hoping to go live with a website next week and at that point this blog will migrate over to its new home on the foundation site, eventually surrounded by more survivor stories and helpful insider tips.
Only 26 days left, maybe.