12: And just like that, kryptonite

I dont even know how it got this bad, the cramps, nausea, emotional and mental stress, trying to have some semblance of normal life, and then the bottom drops out. It makes no sense because I have two of the strongest most loving people that I know caring for me, but not all things make sense. Its currently Saturday February 23rd, not a scheduled chemo day for me, but here we are. I had a rough start on Friday, cramps, general illness about me, no willpower, had no desire to get my ass off the couch and head to the clinic. I told Mom I wasnt going to chemo and she just rolled over! "ok who do I call then"? I understand coming from a mothers perspective, but common man! Its good, I've learned thought my life its easier to just push through, this is temporary. The words left with me by a dear friend once she found out about the diagnosis echoed loudly here, "this too shall pass", she said. The girls load up the car, even though all I can do is yell at them. It doesnt make me feel better, actually worse but its the only way I can communicate now. We make the 15 minute drive to WVU's cancer clinic and we pull up. Im so weak, nauseous, constipated from the pain meds and making this ghostly noise that is just radiating from my inside, like the "ohhhh" of a ghost, after hes stubbed his toe on the coffee table, its involuntary. I dont even check in, I tell mom to roll me up straight to the chair so we can get to getting. Unfortunately, the staff took a look at me, consulted with my Oncologist and Cycle 1 day 4 treatment 5, I tap out already. I am unbelievably disappointed in myself. We dont settle and we definitely dont tap out early, so whats this shit?

This my friends is cancer, and for the first time Im staring it in the eye. Its big, ugly, and its going to rip me piece by piece. Ready or not, here we come.

This is one battle in a long drawn out war, learn from your mistakes and dont make them again. Thats all you can do.

I live the rest of the day in a fugue state, in and out of consciousness, watching from my eyes a weird 3rd person angle like Im on big brother. Im not too sure what happened, but I am now admitted sitting on the observation floor waiting on an oncology bed. While Im in obs, the main concern is just how I feel and managing the symptoms. My biggest issue right now is the nausea and belly pressure. I havnt pooped in like 4 days because of the pain pills. Its uncomfortable to talk about, but it needs to be addressed. Dont get caught behind the 8 ball. Another lesson learned. Id much rather be in pain and be able to poop than bloated. They give me some laxative and some other stuff, take an xray but dont seem too concerned.

They tell you to get some rest, but they have me on vitals every hour, so its few and far between, but they are keeping me medicated so although Im uncomfortable, I dont really mind. I got a push of some pain meds at 4am that literally made me drool. I cant remember the last time I got that kind of sleep. Claire spends the night with me at the hospital, she gets some good sleep too. I think she can finally rest knowing there is someone else taking care of me. I know I'v said it already, but I constantly think of how this is effecting her. I know how shes effecting me, shes my everything, my rock and the one I'm leaning on the most right now, but what about her? She wont say anything and I understand, but I know this cant be easy.